In the whole world, Covid 19 became a concern, on January 30, 2020. It was declared a Pandemic on March 11, 2020, in my little tropical country the Philippines, the president ordered the lockdown, on March 15, 2020. But it was a little too late when in my world, everything stopped being a date, being a time, being a day.
Not as depressing as I make it seem to be, but under the first few weeks of lockdown as an 18 yo adult, immaturely, it was heaven for me. Classes were cut and the university was forced to pass all of the students due to this unexpected catastrophe. And so the days of lockdowns were spent doing all the things I’ve ever wanted to start but couldn’t because of the lack of time. I drew, I knit, I sewed, I sang, I wrote, I read and I filmed. But it died down as quickly as it started. It started to dawn on me slowly that time was passing by and no matter how much I moved, I was still stagnant.
Quarantine started when I was at the peak of being 18, I had tons of plans for my career, but this menacing virus killed my momentum, and cut my stream of activeness as a young adult. I spent two years transitioning age after age inside this tiny house that I have shared with the people I have been with for all my life. I became a two-decade so quickly that as I look back, I can’t seem to remember anything worth remembering.
I was aging, it was painful. The day after my birthday, I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t seem to forgive myself for reaching my life towards my twentieth year, without anything to be proud of or even something to be glad of. I was torturing myself with that thought, hence, the exact month after that, I pushed myself to the edge (metaphorically). With my computer and my guilt of turning 20, I explored the internet in search of something that could make me feel more like…20, a responsible and earning young adult. As a result, I lost sleep and my anxieties put me in situations that gave me even more anxiety. For three months, that was all that was going on, some of it fruitful, some of it a waste of time.
“Being busy is not the same as being productive” -- Anonymous
I saw this quote from one of my friend’s posts at the time when I was in the middle of my age frenzy. And it was a slap in the face. I wanted to be busy because I thought that would make my life less still, under this pandemic, to be a little less stagnant. However, the truth is that I was on a treadmill. Moving, yet not progressing.
By the end of 2021, I watched a movie by Lin-Manuel Miranda called “Tick-tick Boom!” about the life of a playwright/composer, who created one of the most famous Broadway shows, “Rent” named Jonathan Larson. The movie was like a divine intervention for me like I needed to see it. I was so inspired by Jonathan's life as a person who is so…so bothered by time. He too, was bothered by it, as seen from his song 30/90. He’s bothered by time, yet still so patient. He took his time(no matter how long it was), Brooding over something he was passionate about, and wasn't affected by any forces that tried to turn off the spark of light in him. His life was still, but there was progress in the background, that only he, and not many, see, and this resulted in his work being appreciated and acclaimed, and his name being remembered.
“Give thyself time to learn something new and good, and cease to be whirled around”
-- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Today is a new year, nothing has changed but the date and the year. We are still under the fear of the lurking and evolving virus.
Whilst, I am still, as time goes by, aging. Despite that, I am growing, each second of the day, slowly, but surely, taking my time. Learning from the lessons of yesterday, living in the moment. Not being scared of the future, nor being bothered by the past.
I live in the present and that is where I’m going to be.
Getting back on my humming boat, sailing through the river of uncertainty…but now, with ease.
“Time is like a river made up of events that will happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too.”
-- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
This year, I’m turning a decade and one. And that’s scary…but to hell! I’m turning 21 not 91!
Thank you for reading!
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