I was Bad. I admit

I am a bad person

I was raised in a catholic household, I was told to pray every night and before meals and taught to treat every person with respect. No, my parents aren’t strict and support me to the best that they can. I am grateful to be able to eat 3 times a day and to be able to study and have the full support of my family. No, I wasn’t abused, neither was my childhood taken away from me.

I was simply, mean, rude, bad, disgraceful, toxic, and pathetic. 

In third grade, I was very…energetic, as usual for children. I was one of the kids that were asked to line up in front of the class and then the teacher would grab her meter stick from the cabinet at the back of the room and would tell us to put our palms out. Smack after smack and afterward kids wouldn’t misbehave anymore, our palms turning red would make us reflect on what we did and remind us to never be naughty again. But it was innocent before. The cause of being scolded was because of running around the room or talking in the middle of the class. It was innocent. I wish it would have just stayed like that, but a few smacks of the meter stick didn’t straighten my attitude as easily as the teacher liked.

Come in my teenage angsty years of high school. Typically/generally stereotyped bullies are the ones who are rich, good-looking, sporty, popular, and have a lot of friends. Funny enough, I wasn’t any of those, I was so far from being rich, I didn’t like sports, wasn’t –at all, popular, and my looks could be considered below-average,(and that’s the extent of my confidence). I do have a group of friends but each of them has a circle of their own, which I overlooked before. 

But what am I really guilty of? 

I was a bully, I said awful things to people who had been nothing but kind and nice to me, they are one of the few nicest people that I have ever met in my whole life and I treated them like garbage for petty reasons. No. it's not envy, It was just me, being pathetic, and egotistic, thinking that everything revolves around me.  I spoke ill to helpers or aids just because I couldn’t own up to my mistakes. I was disrespectful to my parents--I was so ungrateful. I talk back just because I can. I called people nasty things for the main reason that I don’t vibe with their likes. 

I admit that I had personal issues before, but I will never make that as an excuse to be awful to people. But no matter how much I regret all the things that I did, all the nasty words that I said, no matter how much I donate to charity or say how much I'm sorry. That would never convert me into a good person. The damage has been done, I hurt people and there's no way that I can undo all of that.

But why am I really writing this?

I never used to believe in Karma, but eventually, after those dark years, I lost friends, and life has been quite awful for me. But opposite to mine, I was genuinely happy to see the people that I hurt, having the best times of their lives, having lots of friends and hangouts, improving themselves and just being happy. It’s when I said that every meteorite that falls on top of my head, every car that drags me out of the pedestrian lane, and every mishap that happens to me, is a result of a bad karma that I really, totally deserved.

I spent years and counting thinking like that to myself. I tried to forget about it and act as if those times didn’t exist, and then I realized, that even if I curse,  hurt, hate, or even end myself, things wouldn’t just automatically be okay. I am writing this for myself to come to terms with my awful past, the people I did bad things to could possibly not accept my apology and so at least I should accept my own apology for myself. 

Rather than running away and constantly pushing these things at the back of my head and pretending that it wasn’t me and that it didn’t happen, I, little by little, am going to try my best to accept my past self, acknowledge my mistakes and learn from it, and at least try not to ever do it again. 

For clarification, this isn’t an apology letter begging for understanding and forgiveness, nor a confession of my sins, this is me putting my palms out for the meter stick.